Does Marriage Counseling Work After Cheating?
My wife and I have been married for 8 years, we’ve started out as best friends and then moved to boyfriend/girlfriend status. During that time we got pregnant (unexpected) so I got a new job. During the pregnancy and before & after we got married, I had an emotional affair with a co-worker. I did like her but never did anything with her. My wife found out and after talking about it, she forgave me and wanted to continue our marriage and we decided to have a second child.
While being pregnant with our second child, my wife and I both agreed that I attended a film school in CA. I went and attended school to become a movie director, however, for one of my friends (director too) he needed an actor to play a role of a boyfriend. He asked me, I respectfully declined because of the actress in it. I thought she was very pretty and I was attractive to her, but at the last minute, because he couldn’t find an actor, I agreed to take the role and made out with her on screen. Also during that time in CA, I was filming one of my student films in my apartment overnight. Another actress was the last to leave and while waiting for her to finish so I can go to bed, she came on to me, started making out while grinding me with clothes our on. After a few minutes of that, I felt wrong for what I done and took her off me and went over to the sofa while she stayed on the bed begging me to come to her. I didn’t so she left and I quickly closed the door. When I came back I never told my wife because it would kill her.
But then after our second son was born, I did made out again with another co-worker, this time several times. During one of make out sessions, I grab this girls hand and placed it on my crotch indicating to her that I wanted her to do something to me. I was rubbing her crotch as well. She had asked me if I was going to give her something in return (sex) and after saying “I don’t know” she told me to leave. We ended making out again another time and then she got fired, which was good.
After getting fired (for other reasons) I found a new job. Again, I ended up doing what I did but went all the way with another co-worker. We would meet up before meetings and make out, we even played with each other down there. We even sent each other dirty emails and even tried to make out plans to have sex. It never happened until one day I had a meeting to attend to do, I knew that she was going to be there too. She called telling me where to meet her at and after telling her no several times (because i didn’t want to) I ended up meeting her.
We took to her car and in the backseat is when things started happening. Even though, I did this, inside I was uncomfortable. After this event, I felt really horrible, I asked myself “Why am I doing this?” I felt bad for what I had done, I DO love my wife and never wanted this to happen but it did.
About a month after this event, my wife found my dirty emails to her ( I thought I had deleted everything, I forgot about the ‘sent’ items). She was completely devastated. We decided to see a marriage counselor in the San Diego area, but after many sessions, she was unable to give up what had happened in the past, and I can’t say I blame her.
It’s been about 2 years now, I was kicked out several times and we tried to work things out, been to marriage counseling (only about 3 sessions) and now things are still not going to well. She tells me that she doesn’t love me or want me, yet I am still at home with our boys. We talk a lot and I have lied to her but been honest since then. I do love her so much and that I want only her. We have slept in different beds and together at times. Our boys are confused and hurt (I know I caused this to them) but I always assure them that I love them no matter what and that I will always take care of them. Because I saw my wife as ‘not attracted’ she also had her affair.
She has a new ‘best friend’, a guy from her work. We’ve even had exciting sex, which has been great, but she is still torn up inside. Her sisters tell her to run, her mother tells her to work it out, her friends tell her to run. I even went to a priest to talk, been to church and I even have another counseling appointment coming soon. I have embraced her when she cries, I constantly tell her that I am sorry. She doesn’t trust nor will she ever (I understand why). But now she just wants to have nothing to do with me, yet I can live at home with our boys and help around the house.
She can have her ‘guy friends’ and go out with them and she even mentioned that I have my ‘girl friends’ in other words an open marriage in which I don’t want. She did mentioned that she does want to be civil with me but it will never be the same as it was. I know that I am to blame for all this, I wish that I could go back in time and fix all this but I know I can’t. We both are tired and frustrated with all this that has happened.
What is it that I can do, if anything?
I am fully aware of what I have done to my wife, I understand why she feels the way she does. I have moved to another job and attending school. I plan on going to counseling & church to better myself. This does hurt me but not as much as it hurts her.
She is great person who deserves the best and I want to be that person even though I was bad. I can prove to her that I can be a good husband but too much damage has been done. I’m sorry for ever causing her pain.